Real Weddings, Advice, & Inspiration

Catalyst Wedding Company highlights weddings by and for game-changers. We seek to amplify and empower voices and viewpoints that are usually missing from the Wedding Industrial Complex. We're a community of badass wedding professionals who love all things funky, fresh, diverse, unique, and personality-driven; we convene twice yearly for (un)convention, a collaborative workshop, styled shoot, and dinner party. We're also the publishers of Catalyst Wedding Mag, a resource for couples looking for inspiration and affirmation that doing things differently in wedding-world is not only ok, it's wonderful!

Candess + Jess’s Kennewick, Washington Wedding. Photo by Samantha Starns.

The title says it all. As a wedding planner, I’ve worked with clients to develop their guest lists many times and any time the mention of an ex getting invited comes up I give them these three questions to ask themselves:

1. What’s the Intention of the Invitation?

Be honest with yourself here. Is there some small part of you that wants them to see how well you’re doing and how happy you are without them? Are you doing it because your parents still secretly like the ex and you want to make them happy? What’s the intention? Do you want them celebrating you and your partner in earnest or do you just want a fleeting moment of revenge? If you’re doing this out of spite and pettiness I would advise you to stop everything in your wedding planning right now and schedule a session of couple’s therapy. If something is unhealed in you about a past relationship it’ll become a present issue in your marriage. Don’t do that to yourself and don’t do that to your partner.

2. Have They Asked about Your Well Being in the Last 6 Months?

Sometimes people will try and justify inviting an ex to their wedding by saying they’re now “friends.” Are you, though? Yearly check-ins do not an active friendship make. Are you in an established friendship with healthy boundaries that protect you and your current relationship? Will your ex genuinely be happy to see you and your partner happy? Will they be there to support you AND your new spouse? Has your partner embraced them as a friend as well? If your partner feels any hesitance in extending this invitation, listen to them! It’s their wedding, too.

3. Will This Person’s Presence Elevate the Mood of Myself and My Partner?

This is usually the clincher for most people because they realize they’re either apathetic or it won’t make their partner feel good, confident, or excited to see your ex at the wedding. You’re about to embark on one of the most difficult things two people can do in this world — marriage. It requires radical candor and vulnerability. If your partner is feeling uncomfortable, insecure, or unhappy about inviting exes then simply do not do it. Apply it to both of you and keep your guests list filled with people who want to celebrate the both of you and your relationship.

If you feel comfortable with the answers you’ve come up with for yourself, ask your partner to pose the same questions to you and answer them. Look them in the eyes and hold their hands as you answer. Watch their expressions. Pay attention to your own reactions. What is unsaid can often speak louder than words alone.

JORDAN MANEY

Jordan A. Maney is an Assistant Editor at Catalyst Wedding Co. and is a San Antonio-based wedding planner. She she started her company as a planning haven for all the couples the industry chooses to ignore. Instead of just making a brand, she's building a community. Find more of her sass, humor, and Southern hospitality at loveallthedays.com.